MY ARRANGED MARRAIGE STORY
MY BODY SO CONSTRICTED THAT EVEN MY SCREAM WAS SILENT
Thirsty for relief, I want to let go, and melt into the darkness behind closed eyes.
I wish to dissolve into the vast nothingness of nowhere, to be rescued and float free. To run away, to move on and forget this imprisonment making it so hard to breathe, to think and survive every second.
I want to stop fighting so hard just to live...
My body holds me hostage by fear and trauma it can't understand, untrusting and unforgiving, it refuses to give up its demand for attention.
Caught in the tangled roots of my religion, once tender and deep they had nourished me in childhood.
Now torn loose, frayed by trauma, partly reaching into nothingness, partly binding me at my neck, around my chest, and through my gut, bleeding out my last bits of self.
Ties that normally connect us to people, activities, and things in our lives became flailing loose ends, wound around me instead.
Constant pain destroys with its never-ending pounding against the structure of personality, of ego, and society. Everything crumbles, and what is left is the raw experience of life.
Like a seed planted falling apart inside the earth, the pain had pushed me under, taken me apart and in this dark space I allowed myself to break and recreate.
A dark cloud is coming upon me, a blackness I had never known existed.. and the beginning of the deepest fight for my life..