Laying in the crack of the couch, nestled between the seat and back cushion, sometimes for hours. The room itself seemed changed with a darkness and a power, almost with a tunneling pathway to heaven. Further and further, I reached into the vastness of the stratosphere, in my search for a way to heal my tormented body.
My readings on healing visualizations, self-hypnosis, the mind-body connection, all converged in my mind into a roaring river of ideas that opened me up to a whole new world of my body as a landscape for living.
I traveled deeper, wandering far into a meditative experience, so intense at times almost unable to move. My body frozen and comatose, as my mind continued its deep rummaging in the murky under-waters of my subconscious.
I found a fascinating depth and richness, within the darkness of the space of my imagination.
In this place of comfort, I allowed the painful sensations to speak their truth.
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In a darkened room one night, the door shut tight, I closed my eyes and allowed the pain to move my body according to its experience. As if I was a bystander, I watched the grotesque shapes of its contorted movements.
I knew then that this wretchedness enslaving me was a body unhinged by trauma beyond its ability to cope.
It was as if my mind lived independently of everything else, existing in a vacuum of its own being, hovering watching and protecting me fiercely. My mind became my guardian angel spreading an invisible shield around me and pulling a mask over my face.
A mask that would let no one in and keep people far away. I was not going to allow anyone to see what had happened to me.
I felt so homeless in my separation from society. Our home is not just our physical residence, but an emotional space where we feel cared for, loved and needed. I had none of those things.
My pain had led me into exile, a valley of darkness where I had little ability to communicate with those around me. Yet in my pain, loneliness, and desperation, I stumbled upon my personal experience of light and love, glowing diamonds of knowledge and beauty beyond measure.
I had gained access to a realm about which I had never been taught.